So the last 2 days for me have been a living hell.  I made a mistake the other night.  A big one.  And I know it is something I really cannot take back or even ask anyone for forgiveness.  But I will say now that I apologize deeply and sincerely to the 7 people I hurt the other night.

The only reason it happened is because I was so intoxicated I blacked out.  I remember nothing of the night and just know from the stories I've heard and from the cuts and bruises on my body that it was bad.  I was in the wrong for lashing out but I have the hardest time believing I did it for no cause.  I know my actions were wrong but I know myself and what I do and why I do it and the stories I've heard don't seem to make sense to me.  Though I was drunk, and I mean wasted out of my mind per say, it wasn't me doing it.  I'm just not that kind of a person.  This has never happened before and so I don't know why it would happen now.  I'm very confused and very sad that all of my friends are giving me the cold shoulder.  My best friend--it was his birthday today and he really didn't care to talk to me and I cannot understand.

On a different note I feel like this single, life-changing event is causing me to go crazy.  My perspectives on everything are evolving so fast that I've been hit with this huge depression and I don't really know what to even think about anything anymore.  I'm starting to contemplate if my life has really gone the way I think it has gone.  I'm trying to look at my life the way I would look at someone elses life...and I can't come up anything really accurate.  I see how much and how often I judge people but then I look at my life and see that if someone were to judge me, they would be so very wrong in their assumptions because they have not a fucking clue or even an idea of the way my life has been the past 2 years.

I'm also starting to feel like everyone is so fake...They envy the way one person is and they try to be that same way and in doing that they lose so much of themselves, that they are nothing more than a shadow trailing behind in this new facade they decided to give themselves.  At first I noticed this in one person, then many, then myself.  It's like we're all doing things because we want to do them but we aren't doing the things that we know are right for us.

I'm starting to see flaws in my social system as well.  I don't know how accurate this is going to be but keep in mind this whole blog is me letting all of you know I'm losing it.  But it seems like everyone I know and have been hanging out with lately is not happy.  I know that I am not.  But it's like another front we're all putting up.  We all have this deep dark emotional pain from something that none of us can let go of.  We're all looking for something awesome and amazing to happen in our lives outside of what has already happened and when we finally get close to whatever we have been achieving it goes away, and once again we continue this cycle of feeling lost.

Am I right to say this?  Am I the only one who feels this way?  Is this me talking, the depression, the emo?  I really can't say but it's starting to make more and more sense to me the more deeply I get into thinking.  Maybe that is my problem.  I think way too fucking much about everything.  I do it because my sense of reasoning on what is going on in my world is either too accurate or too fucked up to just have simple thoughts.

I've been told by the people I have had intimate relationships with in the past that I am too complicated of a person to date and it never really clicked until recently.  I feel like everyone else is too simple to date.  I have met very, very few people that I can hold a deep conversation with without things going stale or interest being lost.  And that truly is sad.  It's not fair really.  I see those same people just as lost as I am in life right now.  

Maybe I'm not crazy.  Maybe I'm finally ok with opening myself up.  And if the way I am now is psychotic, then so be it.  I'd rather people know me on the inside, than my tight, cozy shell I have been so persistent in hiding in.  I feel like inside of me I have felt this way for a while, just never felt comfortable talking about it until now.  I suppose a traumatic event in one's life can do that.

I have a hard time believing that I am the only one that feels this way as well.  Can anyone else say they feel life is changing at such an incredibly fast rate all the time that it's almost unbearable to handle?

If I truly am alone in this little bubble of insanity then so be it.  This is my flight over the cuckoo's nest.  I might as well enjoy it.